Effective Co-Parenting: Keeping the Children First

When the topic of parenting is brought up, it tends to be discussed from the perspective of married parenting. A number of families, however, live in a world of co-parenting. Co-parenting is a parenting relationship in which two parents share joint responsibilities of parenting a child and/or children. This typically follows a separation, divorce, or break up. In a co-parenting arrangement, both parents choose to put aside their personal differences to develop and implement a parenting plan that they feel is in the best interest of their child’s development. What happens when your co-parenting relationship is not a healthy one? The “co” in co-parent means together. Unfortunately, regardless of the benefits of co-parenting, there are many reasons for ex-partners to struggle with this endeavor. I personally know this struggle because I have experienced the emotional turmoil of turning one home into two.

Currently, I am happily married and have two sons ages 9 and 6 and I am expecting a daughter in January. Although I am happy and content in my relationship, for years there has been a relationship that I have always struggled with and that is the co-parenting relationship with my oldest son’s father. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my children and would not change my journey for the world, but if only I knew then what I know now!

I wish I had waited…

There’s something special about a couple’s first time. In this physical act, the two become one flesh. Yet sex represents more than just physical oneness. A spiritual union takes place. God planned for this exclusive experience of discovery and pleasure to happen only within the intimacy of marriage. If we don’t wait, we miss out on a unique blessing from God. If we live as carnal Christians, we’ll seek to gratify the desires of the flesh and please ourselves. When lived that way, the pleasure is only temporary. As we feed the desires of our flesh, our spirit grows weak and our relationship with God weakens, too. One reason God tells us to keep the marriage bed pure relates to baggage. We carry baggage into our sexual relationships. Past memories, emotional scars, and unwanted mental images can defile our thoughts, making the marriage bed less than pure. Certainly, God can forgive the past, but that doesn’t immediately free us from lingering mental and emotional baggage. God has given us free will, but that does not free us from the consequences of the decisions we make, both positive and negative.

So here we are, you, me, and all our baggage. We know better, but how do we get better? How do we take the  knowledge we have now and move forward to greater and better? How do we get through this? The consequences of my decisions stay with me forever through a child who did not ask to be here.  The first thing that I had to realize, and encourage you to realize as well, is that GOD HAS FORGIVEN YOU, SO FORGIVE YOURSELF! I could end on this point alone, but it took me more time and more encouragement to persevere so I will share some important ways to co-parent effectively God’s way.

It is important to know that God does not hold us accountable for how others treat us. We are accountable for how we treat others. Even when it comes to parenting, God still has us on assignment. Here are some things that I have done to tap into the peace that God has already promised me and to make sure that my focus remains on what is in the best interest of my son.

1. Change your mindset: drop the mindset of who is wrong or right and focus on whether we are remaining in the right. Paul instructs us in Philippians 3:16 to “keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.” In other words, keep modeling Christ no matter what comes your way. If you do decide to correct the other parent, do it with gentleness (2 Tim 2:25) and be sure to pick and choose your words and motives carefully.
2. Pray: praying for our children’s other parent is vital if we are to grow in our own walk. Instead of asking God to change them, pray instead for His love and mercy to be poured upon their household. Ask for the strength to forgive them. By doing so, your heart will be kept soft too and the kids will be blessed in their lives through your authentic Christ-centered love.
3. Let go of the past: mistakes were made. Now is not the time to rehash or place blame. Now is the time to let go of bitterness and anger from the past for both your sake and your child’s.
4. Watch your words: Resist name-calling or talking negatively about your ex-spouse, especially in front of your child. Stop wallowing in feelings of resentment and begin focusing on a more promising future.
5. Forgive: After you let go of things from the past, you will be able to move into the forgiveness stage. Pray that God will give you the strength to forgive your ex and yourself.
6. Be flexible: Life with children is unpredictable. It is important that both parents learn how to communicate, work well with one another, and be flexible. Work together, not against one another. The sooner this is learned, the easier the transition into effective co-parenting will be.
7. Get help: If you find that you and your ex are unable to find common ground, get counseling. You both have a child depending on you, and if you can’t do that together, seek help to get you on that path.
8. Find a model: Find someone who has a good co-parenting relationship and get tips and ideas from them.
9. Get educated: Read books on co-parenting. Too often we set out to do things but don’t educate ourselves on what we are trying to do.
10. Keep the child in mind: Remember who this is for and who this is about. It’s not about your ex, is about your child. They need you, but they also need their Dad.

Whether you are the full-time or non-custodial parent when they are in your care, your children are your responsibility. Your faithfulness and devotion to the Lord will allow you to resist the temptation to let bitterness ruin your ability to parent. When we are faced with any sort of opposition or trial, we are called to be obedient and trust in His word. Keep in mind that it is not just our walk with God that is being molded, but our children’s as well. Co-parenting is not an easy thing to do, but when the co-parents work together, it creates a healthy environment for the children. Parents mistakes should not scar children. Use this as an opportunity to demonstrate God’s love; a love that is patient and keeps no records of wrongs (1 Cortinthians 13:4-8).