Mom shame. We’ve probably all experienced it. From friends, strangers, and even our own mothers, it can be brazen, or it can be subtle. It can be face to face, or it can be online. it can be over something trivial, or something huge. But no matter the details, it always tears down, and never builds up.
Shame is different than guilt. Feeling bad for something we do is guilt. Feeling bad for who we are is shame. There is a huge difference. In the world of a mom, there are lots of things we are shamed for. Let’s take a look at two of them.
Working
According to a study by the PEW Research Center, an estimated 70% of mothers currently work outside of the home. There is a lot of shaming that comes with this which leads to feelings of guilt. The interesting thing about this is that many times the one doing the mom-shaming in this case is the mom herself. Feeling guilty because we are not homeschooling our children and taking them on weekly field trips, or because we have a work meeting that goes through bed time can make us feel like we are a bad parent. We live in a world where it is often times necessary to work in order to provide for our families. This is obviously even more true for the single mom. In this situation, we need to be aware of our thoughts and keep them positive. Looking at the reasons we have chosen to work are necessary to quit the shame and guilt cycle.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Philippians 4:8
Staying Home
You’ve seen the movie Moms’ Night Out, right? If you haven’t, you need to. Especially if you are a stay-at-home mom. The feelings of guilt and shame that come with this are tough. If 70% of women are working outside the home, then that leaves 30% of mom’s who are stay-at-home parents. This is a full time job with benefits but no pay. It is front-lines, muddy trenches, blood, sweat, and tears kind of work. And it happens to be the one job that goes the most unnoticed or and is often the most disrespected. We see pictures of nurses covered in bodily fluids, painters covered in paint, chefs with dirty aprons, and teachers with chalky fingers. But when we see a picture of a stay-at-home mom in cheerio covered yoga pants, we don’t see her in the same light. We need to do better. Some painters are clean, some are messy. Some chefs have clean kitchens, some look like a bomb went off. Some teachers have everything in order, and some have piles in their classrooms. It is the same with moms. Let’s stop judging a book by its cover.
I have been both a stay-at-home mom and a working mom. When I stayed home, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough to help the world, or build the kingdom of God. I felt like I was worthless and making little difference. I was happy to be raising my son and having a clean house, but it felt of little value to me in comparison to what others were doing around me. I felt like the world was judging me when in fact, I was my worst critic.
Then I began working and started dealing with feelings of guilt for not spending more quality time with my son. I felt bad if supper wasn’t on the table before I left for a board meeting and I didn’t make it home for bedtime.
After some time I realized that in both cases, I was feeling guilty about something. I realized this was an internal problem more than anything anyone had said to me. I began to assess my goals and dreams and see if they were in line with what God had for me. This is an important step for anyone who is dealing with mom-shame. Everyone has different goals, dreams, and life circumstances. And that’s OK. If these things line up with the word of God, and what you believe God has for you, then it is time to start focusing on the positive rather than the negative.
It is OK to dream. It is OK to have goals. These are things our children learn from us. Working towards something that is important to us will teach our children by example what tenacity, hard work, sacrifice and dedication look like.
This is easier said than done, especially if the shaming is coming from someone close to you. Nevertheless, when we know deep down inside of ourselves that what we are doing is the best thing for us and our families, then we can combat the shame more effectively.
But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7
If you are dealing with mom shame, whether it is coming from someone else, or from yourself, remember today that you are loved by the King of Heaven. You are in the palm of His hand. Ask Him to show you if you are in His will, and if you are, if your daily routine measures up to those things in His word, then you can rest in His love and not allow shame to rule your day.
