According to the Stepfamily Foundation, over 1,300 new step-families form each day. Over 50 percent of U.S. families are remarried or recoupled. One of every two marriages ends in divorce. The raising of children then becomes a matter of co-parenting. “Healthy co-parenting or ‘conscious uncoupling’ is divorcing or separating in such a way that you try to avoid the animosity, hurt feelings and be present for your kids,” says stepfamily coach Judy Graybill. “Co-parenting is about rising above those feelings and working with your ex to both be there for your kids.”
Co-parenting with an ex is no easy feat. It requires forgiveness, patience and compassion. It also requires a big picture mindset, understanding that the ability to engage with your ex positively impacts the children. Marisa Delgado has learned, from experience, how to effectively co-parent.
Marisa’s Story
Marisa Delgado is currently the acting principal at Cristo Rey St. Viator College Preparatory School in Las Vegas, Nevada. As an educator for 11 years, Marisa has had ample experience in various roles in education. Although her interest attending college was in engineering, Marisa enjoyed working with children. She decided to put those two interests together and worked toward being a mathematics teacher. Marisa began her teaching career teaching mathematics in middle school before meeting her ex-husband at 20 years old. While teaching, she gained a strong interest in becoming an administrator and earned a Master’s degree in Educational Leadership at the age of 23. Her goal was always to continue her education before getting married and having a family.
Within five years of earning her Masters degree, Marisa got married and had two beautiful children – Isabella and Santino. She was also a full-time mom and working a full-time job, all while her husband, at the time, was a full-time student. She was in an unhealthy relationship and felt that both parties were not being the best examples for their children. Marisa and her husband decided that the best situation for their family was to be separated.
For two years, Marisa had constant communication with her ex-husband. They continued to work with one another and agreed to co-parent their children. Marisa knew the importance of always putting the children first. Marisa and her ex-husband made co-parenting work. They read a co-parenting book and discussed topics to help build a working relationship with strong communication. They both made a decision to have the children be the center of all things. “This year for the first day of school the kids stayed at my ex-husband’s house, but they came over for family breakfast at 6:45 AM so we could have a big family breakfast with the kids and our significant others,” Marisa explains.
Co-Parenting: The Hardest Part
At the end of the day you love your kids… love them always! They are allowed to love their Dad, their Mom, Step Mom, Step Dad. The way I see it is these other women in their lives are just more LOVE that they are receiving.
Marisa’s Co-Parenting Tips
1. Make the children’s well being the first priority.
2. Seek resources on co-parenting (books, articles, counseling, etc.)
3. Pick your battles. Think the situation through and time your approach carefully and diligently. Don’t break up the parenting between parties over minor issues.
4. Never talk negatively about the other parent in front of the children… No matter what!
5. Avoid discussing adult issues (child support, calendar issues, etc.) in front of the kids.
6. Have a scheduling meeting at least two/three times a year where both parents sit down with a calendar and look at all the events.
7. Get on the same page. Though we have different house rules (gum, dessert, etc.) there are some major parenting decisions that both parents have to be on the same page about (technology use, overnight outings, etc.). We are not to pit the other parent against the other one.
Remember that your children are the number one priority. The key to co-parenting is being able to separate the past relationship with your former spouse from the co-parenting relationship that you will have to build and maintain. Look at this relationship as a new one. Even though your marriage ended, your family carries on. Keep that in mind as you aim to place the need’s of your children above your own.
Do you have tips on co-parenting? We would love to hear how you make co-parenting work for your family.
