The range of emotions many moms feel about returning to work after having a baby is enormous. Some emotions can even come into can conflict with one another such as the excitement of returning to a career, but also sadness around not being with your child. Personally, I believed I was ready to go back to work. I was ready to get out of the house, make money, and just feel normal. Although I missed my baby, I eagerly returned to work after ten weeks of maternity leave. However, a month into what I thought would be my normal life, I realized normal was a figment of my imagination. I soon discovered I may have been physically prepared to go back to work, but mentally I wasn’t.
Back to Reality
I returned to work with over 4,000 emails to filter through, needing to adjust to new protocols implemented while I was gone, and the pressure of catching up. The pressure was intense. One thing I’m grateful for is a supportive team and close friends in my department who helped me with re-adjusting to working as well as getting acclimated with changes in protocol. Even with their help, it was overwhelming.
Shortly after returning to work, the pressure of being at the office more than I was at home began to make me feel guilty. I was worried, disconnected, and I felt like I was a bad mother.
The dynamic in my family changed and it was as if feeling normal was no longer an option. I was sleep deprived, always irritable, and always hot. After the first few months of returning to work, the support I was getting seemed to diminish and I began to feel lost. The expectation was I should be caught up and able to function on my own.
Home Life
In addition to the work stress, concerns at home were also weighing heavy on my mind. My older son was facing some challenges in school academically and I felt like I was failing as a parent. The guilt began to make me feel as if I were drowning. Work-life balance? What’s that? The eagerness to return back to work was gone and my desire to be more available for my kids ate at me every day. It’s crazy that one more child could turn my emotional stability upside down. What was happening to me?
In my uncertainty of what to do, I went to God about how I was feeling. I was doing intermittent fasting, waking up at 5:30 am to pray, worshiping, journal writing and I was passionate for God. For a short time it seemed to work, eventually guilt and being overwhelmed made my passion diminish. My “ God what’s wrong with mes” turned into spending no time with him at all. The weight of my life and responsibilities thrust all of its burdens right on top of my shoulders. I felt trapped and it was getting hard for me.
My mind was in overdrive and very often out of control. Nothing my husband did seemed to be right, my oldest children weren’t doing anything right, and my job wasn’t a walk in the park either. The weight of all these issues, stresses and complaints lived in my mind. The thoughts kept me trapped for what seemed to be a decade.
Revelation and Hope
One day, I remember being in my car and I just couldn’t stop crying. I went to work and didn’t say a word all day. I cried silently at my desk ALL DAY! Once I got home I found myself restless and irritable. My husband was going to leave the house and I immediately told him how that made me feel. We went back and forth attempting to get down to the bottom of the problem. I felt like he wasn’t hearing what was in my heart and I blurted out, “I’m depressed!” I told him I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my back, and I had to be and do everything. It was in that moment, he truly understood and I thank God for that revelation.
My husband took a deep breath and told me, “Babe, you can’t do and be everything and I don’t want you to be either.”
He began to minister to me and encourage me. He told me that although he’s the head and the provider, I am the queen of the house. The schedule we have right now is the one set before us for the time being so whatever needed to be done in the house he will ensure that it gets done. He told me that he wanted peace and comfort for me. I cried like a baby the moment he came over to me. God spoke right to me through my husband and I finally released!
What to Remember
Being a mother is already hard enough. Add on working outside of the home and that makes it even more challenging. But guess what? We were created to do this! Don’t allow the guilt, shame, or stress you feel take you out. Do what’s best for YOU. If you’re in a position to not return to work and your spouse is in agreement with you then do that. It makes no sense to return to a job that you won’t mentally be there for anyway.
Not working isn’t always an option, so if you have to go to back to work, DON”T RUSH IT! Make sure you are going back for the right reasons at the right time. Don’t let cabin fever prematurely rush you back into your regular old schedule. FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) allows you to take up to twelve weeks away from work. Start planning before the baby is due especially if your company will only pay a certain percentage of your wages so that you won’t have the financial burdens and the stress to go with it.
Last and most important, don’t leave God out. God is the way out of being lost. Tell him how you feel, not because he doesn’t already know but because God loves it when we depend on him (Matthew 6:33). Nothing is too big or too small for God. Rest assured, motherhood isn’t perfect and there is no such thing as a super-mom. Just be the best mom you can be with the resources and support you have. Let God handle the rest because he is THE SOURCE, the way, the truth, and the life.
