I am an Army wife and my husband is currently deployed to the other side of the world. My grandma, a career Navy wife, always used to say, “everything goes wrong as soon as the ship leaves port.” My grandma speaks words of wisdom! Any military spouse will tell you that anything that can go wrong won’t go wrong until the service member is gone. It’s almost a guarantee, if you will, that the challenges we face will happen when we are separated from our spouse.
I have three children who count on me for everything. I faithfully drive them to countless hours of ballet, sit with them through frustrations over homework, pack their lunches, make sure their uniforms aren’t wrinkled, and dry their tears when missing their dad gets to be too overwhelming. Unfortunately, I hit my lows, too.
I have not experienced a time quite like this past year. I would list the difficulties I have faced, but they may warrant an article all to themselves. I do know that I have not had so many things come in such a short time. I jokingly likened myself to Job the other day; though not nearly as trying as Job’s circumstances, it feels very overwhelming to me.
These difficulties have left me in a blur of wondering if I am even doing a good job as a parent. Lying in bed wondering if I should be a mother. Questioning my parenting and thinking my husband should be the one staying at home. Most recently, it made me question the eternal path I’m on as if I should not be on the path of motherhood. I do know, however, that difficulty begets strength.
One bad day does not make me a bad mother. A string of difficult circumstances does not mean that I was not supposed to be a mother.
I was reminded recently that we do not understand all that God understands. We are told that we will not be given more than we can handle, and He will guide us though the difficulties. We are not given the promise that difficulties will be made easier, but rather that we will get through them and they will not break us.
A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with my mom and said, “I just don’t know how much more I am supposed to handle during this deployment.” I don’t know if that was posed as a challenge, but the last month as shown me a slew of new difficulties through which I am not sure how to proceed. My stress level causes my children to be out-of-whack, too. This leads to them acting out, me reacting, and the process not only repeating itself, but often doubling both my doubt and their behavior changes.
As mothers, we are often tempted to doubt ourselves, our strengths, our abilities, and even our role as a mother. I have often let doubt shadow my abilities since I became a mother. I feel as though everyone around me knows what they are doing, and I am the only one struggling to catch up. How foolish of me to think that any parent knows what they are doing! After the birth of our third child, my husband and I took a trip to his hometown for a fall festival. As my husband carried our newborn, his old high school friend – anticipating his first child – said, “so, how do you do it?” My husband and I looked at each other and replied, “we don’t really know.”
That’s the truth of it. We don’t know. We don’t know where our children will end up, though we hope we are giving them the best. We don’t know what tomorrow is going to hand us. We don’t know where we’ll be next week. I give my daughter advice often, and one piece of advice I consistently repeat is, “All I ask is that you are better tomorrow than you were today.” It’s something I tell myself every morning. Maybe yesterday was a rough day. Maybe my kids ate cereal for dinner, but we were out of milk, so it was dry. Maybe I got a door slammed in my face because my pre-teen doesn’t know how else to express her emotions. Maybe if I remember that tomorrow is a new day, I’ll remind myself that I can react differently than I reacted today. I can speak softer, listen more, and remind my children that one bad day does not define who we are.
One bad day does not make me a bad mother. A string of difficult circumstances does not mean that I was not supposed to be a mother. We are given a new day every day to teach our children. I am not afraid to apologize to my children if I feel that I was out of line. Sometimes, parents do not respond how they should and children need to know that. I cannot let doubt creep into my mind and ruin my tomorrow.
To doubt actually means to be uncertain; it means that you lack faith. When we doubt our abilities as a mom, what we’re really saying is that we don’t believe what God believes about us. He gave us the children that we have, so he believes that we are capable. He believes that we are enough and that we have what it takes. Let us rest in that when we begin to doubt. And when we need a bit more encouragement or when we are feeling weak, let us turn to God in prayer, asking for wisdom and guidance to be the moms he has called us to be.
