Motherhood. It’s raw, unpredictable and constantly evolving. Parenting books never really prepare a mom for her child’s big change. You know, the moment your baby turns into a hormonal teenager. As adults, we forget we were once those moody teens. We ignored our parents wishes, and maybe, even thought we were the smartest beings ever. What we didn’t realize on our journey through life, was that puberty would pop up and knock on our door again. And this time, we’re on the other end and experiencing the absolute joys of trying to parent teens. Somewhere along the way, we transform from our kids favorite person in the world, to a version of the adults in the Peanuts movies, inaudible and speaking gibberish. So, where do we go from here? Can we still keep that open communication with our kids, and not loose our mind in the process?
What’s Going on Here?
Let’s take puberty back to the basics. Here are the changes your preteen is going through.
- Gray matter in brain is being removed.
- Impulse control at frontal cortex of brain is changing.
- Problem solving skills are developing.
- Hormones are skyrocketing.
- Surge of emotions constantly on display.
- Child pulls away to figure out how to be independent.
Can we still keep that open communication with our kids, and not loose our mind in the process?
Children can forget their parents unconditionally love them, and as adults, it’s easy for us to forget how awkward and uncomfortable life was when we went through puberty. As a result, communication can become difficult and forced. What do we do when teens are battling feelings they’ve never felt before, parents are trying to be better than their parents, everyone is walking on eggshells and nothing seems to be working?
What You Can Do
Sometimes, mothers need to take a step back from the situation. It sounds simple, but actually doing it can be difficult. The practice of removing yourself from a situation for a few minutes gives a parent the ability to regroup, process the situation, and execute a plan.
Think about structure for a moment. While it may seem counter-intuitive, children crave structure. Studies have shown, children on a regular routine have a better attitude in school, get better grades, and are socially well-adjusted. Essentially, parents need to figure out a happy balance between fun, discipline, control and allowing their children some freedoms. Then create a routine that not only satisfies the parent, but the child’s needs as well. It’s definitely not easy, and there maybe moments of angst, but let’s look at some things we can incorporate into our parenting style.
5 Tips to Consider
- Stick to it – If you create a consequence for your child’s unacceptable actions, do not give in. Stick to your word so that they hold validity and value.
- Stay on top of kids – This doesn’t mean being a helicopter mom versus a free range mom. The balance lies somewhere in the middle. Let the child know you’re aware of their responsibilities, and ask if tasks are getting done. For example, “Did you bring home the paper work Mr. Smith said you’d need to get that missing assignment turned in?”
- Teach them to earn the right – Are you more grateful when you earn something or when it’s given to you? Kids don’t understand they are not entitled to have cell phones, IPads, games, or money. Understanding that those amenities are privileges is step one. Step two is learning privileges are earned through goals and tasks set by you. Whether it’s a list of chores that need to be completed, making sure their school work is getting done or all of the above, responsibilities give a child a way to have structure and earn the privileges they enjoy.
- Hold kids accountable – Part of being a child is learning the path to becoming a responsible adult. Children need to learn that with poor choices, comes with consequences. We as parents need to remember, the consequence for accountability needs to match the action. Be fair when dealing out consequences for poor behavior or uncompleted tasks.
- Stop the repeat game – Once the consequence has been set, and you’ve described how things are going to play out, end it. Don’t harp on it over and over. You’ve said your peace, now that’s enough.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time…Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace…” Hebrews 12:11
Keeping Your Cool
Children have a way of pushing a parent to the edge. Even after receiving discipline, the child may follow you around begging, pleading, or trying to force you giving in and get what they want. Reacting to these situations is like a bad game of psychological chess. Raising your voice and becoming wildly out of control doesn’t diffuse the situation. In fact, it can teach the child that this is how to behave when things don’t go their way. The truth is, parents will loose their cool, and that’s okay! Learn how to come back from it, pray, and be honest with yourself and your children. Don’t be afraid to say, “I apologize, I shouldn’t have handled the situation this way.” Your child will see a person is capable of making mistakes, asking for forgiveness and recovering.
Don’t Take it Personally
Never take your child’s behavior personally. The child is not methodically planning or plotting to destroy your day, mood or week, even though sometimes it feels that way. Try and remember, they are just a product of out of control hormones and they’re displaying normal, teenage hormonal behavior. When a parent is at their wits end, it’s easy to forget the situation is not intentional. In fact, the child is purely acting out of emotion and not thinking. Let’s ingrain the thought process now, letting them know that only reacting out of emotion will always intensify a situation, and letting emotions run your intentions is not a good practice in life. Think before reacting.
It Won’t Last Forever
Always keep in mind, puberty is different for each person. The experiences and situations that occur during this time in a young person’s life varies in both events and degree of severity. This means each person going through it will need to be handled differently. And while we may not have first-hand experience about a specific situation, we know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed. The average length of puberty is between 2 to 5 years. However, even if it lasts a little longer, it doesn’t last forever. If we continue to raise our children according to biblical passages, using discipline and love, we will continue to create morally right and caring individuals. Tough times don’t last forever, and it’s not only an honor, but a blessing to raise children. Enjoy the moments as they arise, and let your kids know you will always there for them through your actions, words, and of course mom-hugs.
Have you been through this process with your own children? Are you currently dealing with kids going through this big change? We’d love to hear from you! Share any advice or tips you may have with us and other moms going through similar situations!
